I said I wouldn’t blog about him again, so I am cheating myself and all of you a little bit by adding this one last post. But…it feels like a good way to wrap things up with closure for me…so I hope you will all forgive me for this final “Chris” post. : )
Thanks in advance for your understanding!
So…while some of you already know a little bit about this, many of you are not aware.
So here goes…I have spent the last three months, in intense MARRIAGE COUNSELING. That’s right, I said “Marriage Counseling”.
Confused? Rightfully so.
So here is the short version of the story behind this.
Just woken up by the snowplow driving past my house at 4am…..4 times. While I am grateful that they are out there and I know it will make it easier for me to get out of my neighborhood and get to work this morning, I am frustrated with winter in general. It’s been a rough winter with a lot of snow.
Frankly, I am DONE with snow. I long for spring and the sounds of birds chirping in the tree outside my window (not the sound of branches breaking from he weight of snow and ice),
I long for that crispness in the air in the mornings when i go out for a jog, and the daffodils and tulips to show their little happy faces.
Sometimes it seems like it will never get here.
Please hurry spring! This girl can’t take much more winter! :)
So far, forgiveness has eluded me. It’s not that I don’t want to forgive…I very much do. I guess part of me was expecting an actual apology. But often in life, that is something we will never get. Sometimes people just can’t bring themselves to apologize. My picture says it all. If God could forgive us, how could we possibly not forgive each other? But still, it isn’t easy. Healing, in this case, is extremely important, both physically and emotionally. I’m getting there….and the people I have chosen to surround myself with lately are helping me along the way. I’m so blessed and fortunate. #forgivenessawaitsme #doeverythinginlove
Once upon a time I was a happy girl, walking along a happy path…until I came across a WOLF in sheep’s clothing. Of course I didn’t know he was a wolf at first, I totally bought the sheep costume. I bought into his romance, his roses, his MANY MANY cards full of his written words swearing his deep unending love, the hand holding in public everywhere we went, the door opening, him confiding his deepest secrets in me, begging me to move in with him…..I believed it all. BUT, this person was merely, a predator, and he destroyed me over and over and over. I saw the signs and the red flags, but hoped they were not true. The way he guarded his phone as if it were fort knox, the many MANY lies I caught him in, and of course there was catching him sneaking out of the neighbors apartment at 2am one night. He saw me standing outside looking for him and said “this isn’t what it looks like” LOL. I should have kicked him out right then. He was abusive, and his abuse, cheating and lies broke me…yet I am partly to blame, because clearly I allowed it to happen. I thought, mistakenly, that our love could survive and that I could fix him. But there was no fixing him, he was not capable of being honest or truthful, he was only capable of lying, abusing and manipulating. He would even manipulate his many female “friends” into helping to cover up his lies. He was so good at pretending to be someone that he wasn’t, that I don’t even believe he knew who he really was. And I fell for every last lie, every cover up, every excuse. After over a year of this, I was just a “broken girl”. We moved from our first apartment into a house, I tried to put all of the pain behind me, I forgave him for everything that had happened up until that point never dreaming that the worst had not even begun. I simply couldn’t understand why I couldn’t seem to repair myself. At the time, I didn’t know that only God and his love could really repair me. Then the cheating and lying got even worse, Finally I found the strength to ask him to leave! I even found him an apartment to move into and helped him move. But I was still pretty stupid because even after the relationship was over, I kept this predator of a man in my life and spent nearly every day with him, because he insisted that we were true friends, and yet again, I believed him. In his charismatic way he was fooling us both. We were NOT friends, he was simply using me, and i was allowing it. In retrospect I can’t even begin to count the times that God was practically SCREAMING at me to get away, to STAY AWAY! But I thought I knew best. I thought “I” could control the situation. I was even still letting him sleep in my bed believing I was “in control” up until the very last day i ever saw him. The day that he broke the very last straw, the day he his lies and his abuse physically hurt me for the very last time, the day I finally said ENOUGH! THE VERY DAY THAT I STARTED LISTENING TO GOD. That day was January 6th, 2014. The day I ceased to be a broken girl! The day i found the strength to delete him and block him from every aspect of my life.
That day, God gave me the strength to begin to utilize some beautiful boundaries, and remove that man from my life altogether. Now, I am no longer “broken girl”, I am a joyful girl and I’m on an amazing path to recovery and finding my way back to happiness with God’s grace and love.
It’s been 33 days, with ZERO contact with this man, and the best thirty three days of my LIFE thus far! In these 33 days, I have armed myself with tools to prevent this from happening again! I have actively continued therapy with TWO Christian therapists, I am learning how to set and STICK to boundaries, I have armed myself with a wonderful church that has an AMAZING pastor who has listened to every last detail and has offered me hope and healing. I have armed myself with GOD, and his protection surrounds me. Last but not least I have armed myself with a Glock 26 AKA “baby glock” with a plus 2, ironically the same gun/configuration I bought that man for a gift two summers ago! So, now i will be prepared to defend myself……against any pariah that tries to abuse me or that may be lurking along my path to recovery. I might have once been broken and beaten, but those days are behind me. Now I move forward stronger than I EVER thought was possible. Now that you know my story, now that you know where I came from, where I have been and where I am going, I will never mention this man again. He is in my past, where he will remain. Even as I type this, I pray for this man. That he will change, see the error of his ways, better himself. I know its not likely. Statistics say someone who has cheated multiple times has less than a 3% chance of ever changing that behavior. But I will still pray. I am a VICTIM no more. As for my future, I’ll just be walking my path, gaining more strength with every step. In the meantime, if you need me for anything, I’ll be at the gun range! :)
Lately, lots of friends have been giving me advice, mainly about my love life. I suppose it’s natural for those around you to want to see you happy, in whatever way happiness makes sense to them. ie: if being single makes THEM happy, they will push the benefits of the single lifestyle, if relationships are how they thrive, that will be their agenda.
Either way, both have very valid points to them. Continue reading